Carlsberg don't do last days of the season ......

[rokerprogz]

... but if they did .....

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18 Newcastle 38 5 7 7 24 29 2 6 11 16 30 -19 34
19 Middlesbrough 38 5 9 5 17 20 2 2 15 11 37 -29 32
20 West Brom 38 7 3 9 26 33 1 5 13 10 34 -31 32

[ToffeeDan]

Tongue firmly in cheek:

Averton retained their title of Best of the non-Sky 4 by winning the Real Premier League:

In head to head (and only) between the "other 16" teams Averton emerged 2 points clear of Viella.

In an alternative version of PL Football Averton scored 58 points to Viella's 56. West Bram, Hell and Boreya were "relegated". Going into the final day Averton had a 2 point lead and a 9 goal advantage over Viella, needing a point at Felham to secure this alternative title. Meanwhile at the other end of the table one of 3 teams could still join Boreya and Hell (who had a rest day and played Men Utd prior to their visitors Champions League Final fixture) whilst Sanderland fans (many of whome watched their side play Chavski in a friendly before their visitors play in the FA Cup Final) had a nervous wait to see if the other results went against them. Whilst they were ultimately very happy to remain in the elite they were disappointed to see their great rivals Nocastle escape relegation by the skin of their jammy, dodgy teeth, forcing them to discard all the special celebratory banners they had bought for the occasion!

Before Kick Off
Sanderland 30-34 (-9)
Nocastle 29-32 (-3)
--------------------
West Bram 29-31 (-9)
Hell 30-30 (-17)
Boreya 29 28 (-17)

Nocastle lost 1-0 at Viella - thanks to an hilarious own-goal by Damian Duffy but West Bram just couldn't find a way past 10 man Blockburn - for whom Jason Robards was sent off, Paul Robeson bringing off a miraculous late save to see the Boggies relegated from the Non-Spondoolies League

Final Table
1 Averton 30 23 58
2 Viella 30 13 56
3 Wet Ham 30 6 48
4 Mad City 30 14 46
5 Felham 30 8 44
6 Wogan 30 -2 44
7 Belton 30 2 41
8 Spurts 30 2 41
9 Blockburn 30 1 41
10 Pertsmouth30 -4 41
11 Stake 30 -6 40
12 Sanderland30 -9 34
13 Nocastle 30 -4 32
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14 West Bram 30 -9 32
15 Hell 30 -17 30
16 Boreya 30 -18 28

Spurts once again had a feeble season barely managing to get into the top half (on goal difference). At the AGM the members will discuss whether Mad City will be re-elected to the League - alternatively they face a £2Bn Fine for being too wealthy!!

Woldes and Barmingham will join the elite next season along with the winner of the Barnley-Shoffield United play-off final which this year is being played, today, at Older Trafford, a convenient location for both sets of fans who have paid just £4 for their tickets on what is being billed "Fans Day"