Dealing with death

[Barrett]

Hi all,

It's my first post on here in a while. I just feel like I need to get things off me chest.

Yesterday, on Christmas day of all days, I went round to my uncles house and found him lying at the bottom of the stairs. He had been there a few days. That picture in my head has haunted me since yesterday morning. I'm 24 and have never experienced losing anyone so close to me before. I have never known my dad and he was the closest thing I have had to one.

I miss him so much, I feel numb and empty. I just feel like I dont know what to do with myself.

The police have the keys to his house and we wont have them until Wednesday as the station they are being kept at isnt open until then because of the holidays. The worst thing is that because there is blood still on the floor we are unable to get in to clean it up. The police and the paramedics said they dont clean it up themselves. If you look through the letterbox you can still see the blood. I'm worried that there will be an awful smell when we finally get in the house.

The crying comes in little spurts. Nothing even brings it on, I can be okay one minute and the next I well up. It's the same with the shakes every now and then. I wish I hadnt of seen what I did.

I'm sorry if anyone reads this and has experienced similar an it brings back memories. I havent gone into any detail as to exactly what I saw, I dont think its what people would want to read.

Thanks for taking the time to read this anyway.

[tommy]

My deepest sympathy to you. All I can say it is very early days. Let your emotions take their natural course. It is important not to bottle them up. With time you will gradually come to terms with what has happened. Talk to friends and family they will help. Do not despair, good luck at this very difficult time.

[ashburton-grove]

Hi Barrett, in March I lost my mother in law. I know, they are supposed to be rude and horrible, but mine was so great, kind and a pleasure to be with. Cancer took her at the age of 67, far too soon, especially considering her good health for the 16 years I had known her.
The Cancer was only diagnosed in January giving us less than 2 months of her company. This Xmas was the first without her, her grandkids and her own daughters have all put on a brave face and tried to keep things as normal as to be expected.
But there's always something that will just hit you at an unexpected time.
Xmas eve I was handed a present, signed from my mother in law, to me. She had wrapped it last Xmas but as she was too ill to give it to me, left it in her wardrobe. I'm quite a tough stubborn guy, but that really hit me. I can't even throw the wrapping paper away from it.
There's no right or wrong way to deal with death, just have someone to talk to, and try to keep going. Not just for you but those around you.
Remember the good times and believe, even if you aren't religeous, that they are still around and looking out for you.
Take care.
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[Rocky]

Barrett,

May I pass on my condolences, that is truly sad news. Many of us may have suffered the death of a loved one but maybe not in such tragic circumstances and at this time of year.

Letting your emotions out is a key element for your own welfare and this will allow you to grieve. Family and friends will be an obvious source for support and there are also many organisations available that can provide comfort and advice at this sad time. Don’t hesitate to use them.

Going into the New Year, I’m sure that all forum members will have you in their thoughts and wish you the very best in the coming months.

[banleystowles]

My thoughts are with you.
Like the others have said, go with your emotions and let them out.
I hope it all goes well for you.

[Jake]

An awful thing to have to deal with, especially so at this time of year and my sympathies go out to you.

As others have said, talking to loved ones about it is probably the healthiest thing you can do just now. So when you need to talk, do just that.

It isn't something you "get over" as such, but over the course of time you do learn to live with the loss. Be around people as much as you can for the foreseeable and take each day as it comes.

[Superajm]

I lost my mum 4 months ago so I have an idea what you're going through. As some have said, it's a very long road - unfortunately both of us are starting to go through it

my parents divorced in 1977 so mum was my only parent for all of these years. I don't think people understand what you go through until it happens

Try and keep your spirits up from minute to minute and then after a while the hours start to come together. Keep going

[ForestMick]

Deepest sympathies, not only for your loss, but also for the circumstances surrounding it. The sudden loss of my mother in law this year, and other issues affecting my personal life, have been discussed on here, and you amongst others, have always been very supportive. The forum is a very good place to get things off your chest, and receive very good advice, from people that you may never have met, but still feel like friends. Grieving is a long, slow process, but it is important to talk about it, as well as trying to remember all the positives from your uncle's life. Keep going, things gradually start to feel better, and think about your uncle smiling down on you.
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[Fishy]

Hi Barratt,
My deepest sympathies are with you.
I will not add any more to what has been said by others - lots of good advice there already...............

[ToffeeDan]

Hi Mark,

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. My sincere condolences to you - things will get easier so take it easy for now.

Dan

[JJPROGRAMMES]

Hi Barrett,
Sincere condolences to you and your family, try to take things easy, also keep yourself occupied, internet - football - reading whatever interest you have, thats what I did when I found out that my daughter was seriously ill it seems to help, take care,
jj.

[WileBrownAstle]

Really sorry to hear that mate.
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[Kickoff3pm]

I've kept out of this thread mainly because I've recently lost 3 members of my family. 2 brothers and the mom in the past 12-14 months.

I think the way I coped, if that's the right word is mostly get on with things. Now and then when I think of either of them I tend to think "what would they say, think" or I go right back to something they did or said that made us laugh, good times and even some of the bad time we survived somehow.

I'm not religious and I didn't want to remember them as anything other then their life not their death. So I try to do what they would want me to do and that get on it.

Remember them in life, not at death if you can.

[ToffeeDan]

I completely agree with KO. Something I learnt when my brother passed away very suddenly rings a bell exactly with his comments and is a valuable lesson - that you should focus on the good memories.

There is more I would like to say but now is not the time.

[Auchinleckian]

Having put this onto the website you've unconsciously kicked in the grieving process. You'll note the amount of sympathy from fellow Forum users and realise what a common event death actually is. You will eventually come to terms with it, as opposed to "getting over it"
In one horrible period from 1980 to 1989 I lost my wife, her mother, father, grandmother, uncle, and my father. I was only 35 at the end of that decade, but it's one I'll never, ever, forget. However, I rarely think about it in sad terms any more as I've moved on and got married to another lovely woman. I now have 7 grand children that mean so much to me.
Time IS a great healer, and although a lot of words will seem vacuous now, you too will move on. I wish you well with your journey, and if you ever feel the need to have an on line chat in private pm me.

take care, John[/b]

[Barrett]

Hi everyone.

I'm sorry I havent been back on here in the last few days to read this thread. Words cant describe how grateful I am for all your kind words and encouragement. Although it is only 5 days since we found him I feel I can cope slightly better. The first 2 days were very very hard. I find it hardest at night as I'm getting ready for bed. That's whe it seems to hit me. I also seem to have developed a fear, if thats the right word, of the darkness and of being in a room alone. I'm sure that will go over time.

My mind takes me back to that day sometimes and I can still clearly see what I saw through the letter box. Thankfully I could only see his leg and only actually saw him when I went into the house. That memory of being in the house is starting to fade alot, I can no longer see his face, only very vaguely.

We finally got the keys to the house 3 days after we found him. We had to go in and clean up the blood that remained which unfortunately was alot. I cant understand why the emergency services dont have specialist cleaners to come out and do this as its a very hard and emotional thing to do. The smell was awful.

I find it very hard going through his personnal possessions and deciding what to keep and what to throw out. It seems really disrespectful plus very emotional when certain things are found.

We have the funeral arranged for next friday and a cremation service. I've never been old enough when I have been to funerals to understand and I imagine its going to be a very hard day to deal with.

I'm going to see him soon, we have to have a closed coffin because of the length of time he was lying there for, and have been advised the way he looked has dramatically changed.

Thanks once again for all your support. Its very appreciated